Tag Archives: struggle

Nov24

A life torn asunder…

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A life torn asunder…

I found this engagement announcement years ago after my mother passed away. I had inherited the “trunk” with all of the family heirlooms and photos.  When I first saw the fragile news clipping, I thought nothing of it really.  I assumed it had gotten torn somehow and my mom had saved it nonetheless.

Years later, while going through the trunk, I saw a different fragile news clipping.  It was a reflection of a broken heart, a broken woman, and the life she had imagined torn asunder.  She most likely carefully and deliberately tore the piece right down the middle and replaced it in a box of photos.

No accident here.  It was a message.  A statement.  Perhaps a legacy.

My mother told me once in a private conversation weeks before my own wedding,  “I never planned on being divorced”.  It was during an argument between us when I foolishly told her that what happened to her would never happen to me.  If only I could take those words back.

Not only because I am now a divorced woman.  But because my words had a certain arrogance and a sting that hurt her deeply.

No matter how you slice it, divorce wreaks havoc on a family.  It creates “teams” that don’t play well together.  It rents the fabric of family life, rearranges every holiday plan and every summer vacation.  The repercussions rear their ugly heads in the least expected moments.

Growing up is something we all have to do.  Becoming wise and learning difficult lessons is optional.  Knowing what I went through with my parents divorce, I have a difficult time digesting the fact that I had a hand in repeating this  history.  Perhaps it was my legacy.  Or an unconscious attempt at solidarity with my mother.

Maybe it was an “I told you so”.

Nonetheless, I am the woman I am today because I had to grow through the pain and struggle of my decisions.  If only I could have been this woman without having had to wreak so much damage and heartache.

We project a part of ourselves into what we see and observe.  What we interpret has everything to do with our own experience.  As a young married woman with three small children, I saw a fragile news clipping that had accidentally gotten torn. Years later I see with different eyes.  It is a statement of grief.  A message and a warning.

And sadly, a legacy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jan10

New Year, New Intentions

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New Year, New Intentions

Many years ago, I attended a funeral with my then husband, for one of his co-workers.  The gregarious and well respected engineer died relatively young leaving a wife and two small children.  I don’t remember how he died but I do recall how sad the service was and how irritated I was as the priest continued to encourage the congregation to “Let Go and Let God”!

I didn’t think for one minute that this man’s wife and family were ready to swallow that message.  Their grief was palpable and there would be difficult days and nights to get through before they could possibly “let go” and find peace with their loved one’s death.  I cried the entire way home from that funeral feeling that life was so unfair and random and unpredictable.  Vestiges of my own personal losses came up out of nowhere.  Letting go was the last thing I wanted to do.

I found this card in a box with other momentoes that I have saved through the years.  It was given to me after the death of my father more than 20 years ago with a heartfelt message from two dear friends from church, Mark and Margaret.   So timely that the message should find its way into my hands, asking to be reconsidered.

When the student is ready the teacher will appear.  I’m ready to hear this message.    This is my intention for 2015.

I am a saver of old cards, of my parents things, of photographs, of memories.  I have trouble opening my hands and letting things sift through, only keeping what is most important.  I cling to old ideas and patterns and struggle with transition and change.  But some old ways do not serve me anymore.  I am choosing to change the energy in my life and counting on God to help me take the leap to the new and unexpected.

Last night I had a dream about seeing our old next door neighbors from our first home in Whittier. (Previous neighbors!   Kenn and Lynda- you guys aren’t old yet!)  I felt that tinge of sadness and nostalgia that one feels when they revisit the past and remember good times and feel a sense of loss.

I am girding myself for said emotions.

Here’s to a new year.  A year of exciting discovery and potential nostalgia and sadness.

The student is ready.