Category Archives: Raising Sons

Oct17

Something Special

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Something Special

When I was the ripe young age of 21 years old and engaged to my college sweetheart, my mother did something rather out of character for her.  She threw an engagement party for us.

Now keep in mind that there was no pinterest in 1978 and no internet for that matter!  I was finishing my college degree and typing my final papers on a typewriter that never quite spit out my monkey mind thoughts as fast as I wanted it to.  My mother’s parties were always the same- no fancy decorations or new recipes.  They usually consisted of the house full of my siblings, their spouses and their children. And even though no “extra” people were invited, we still had to eat in shifts at the dining room table.  The house was always full of chatter and love and the table was always groaning under the weight of homemade Lebanese food and the elbows of my handsome and hungry brothers.

I wouldn’t have changed one thing about that party!  It was just the celebration I craved!  All the love in the world was in that kitchen!

But my mom added a special touch that I will never forget.  From the dining room chandelier she hung a sterling silver baby cup with a curled pink ribbon tied to it.

Now, you must appreciate that in a family of six children, individual artifacts of each child are difficult to identify even if you can find them after twenty something years!  Having been raised “warehouse style” (look it up- it’s Freudian) in a house full of the opposite gender I don’t remember anything really being my personal property except maybe for my dolls and a couple random items from the Avon lady.

But somehow this tiny silver cup floated its way to the top of the old Amelia Earlheart trunk in the garage and my mother had a thought about finding it and displaying it from the chandelier.   Without the guidance of pinterest or advice from friends on Facebook, she gave the party that special touch.  And touched I was.

Indeed, it touched me so deeply that the tiny cup is displayed in my china hutch (her china hutch!) thirty five years later.  The ribbon has faded and the cup has tarnished, yet it is still a beautiful reminder of the occasion and my mother’s intention to do something special for me.

This weekend I am hosting an engagement party for my son, Peter, and his beautiful fiance, Brianna.  I couldn’t have hand picked a more lovely young woman for him.  That same dining room table that now graces my home will be groaning with food.  It has bowed even more with majesty under the elbows of my three handsome and hungry sons.  There will be family and friends and toasts and the fullness of love and good wishes. I’ve hosted many parties in my home but this one will be special.  We  open the door to join with a new family and hail the beginning of Peter and Brianna’s lives together and all the joys and challenges that lie ahead for them.  It will be a profound and meaningful celebration.

And I have been preparing for it for weeks!  Just this evening I was deadheading mums and raking leaves in the back yard.  Tomorrow I will pick up some last minute items.  Saturday, my “helpers” are coming to string lights, set up tables, roll grapeleaves and chop parsley for tabouli.  Sunday morning will be spent arranging flowers and ironing table cloths.  It is all a sweet labor of love.

So shoot me… I want it to be perfect!  I want it to be something that they will remember for years to come.  A celebration full of all the love in the world!

I want it to be something special.

 

 

 

 

Feb15

Love is hard work.

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Love is hard work.

Now that Valentine’s Day is over we can get down to the real business of love.

Love is not always flowers and chocolates or a fine dinner over a bottle of wine.  Rather, these are icing on the cake of love.  The real work of love is behind the scenes.  Subtle yet powerful.   Painful and challenging at times.

Love is saying “I’ll be right there” when you have a million other pressing things on your schedule. Love is the two AM feeding when they are infants, the carpooling to 100 soccer games when they are 10, holding them accountable to a curfew when they are  teenagers, and eventually letting go as they kick and scream for their independence. Love is listening and keeping your mouth shut when you think you have earth shattering advice. Love is being strong and letting someone lean on you. Love is hanging on the phone for hours with a friend who just needs to talk. Love is knowing the difference between supporting and enabling.  Love is forgiving others and releasing obligation. Love is forgiving oneself for mistakes made and roads not taken. Love is keeping vigil at the bedside of a dying parent. Love is holding on to hope in a desperate situation. Love is praying for good news. Love is comforting the grieving. Love is walking to the end of ones’ land every evening and waiting for the prodigal son to return home. Love is holding out a light in the darkness.

Love is swallowing your pride when your pride is getting in the way of loving.

Love is hard work.

 

Aug8

Out of my comfort zone…

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Out of my comfort zone…

Three years ago I was in a friend’s kitchen engaged in a very uncomfortable conversation when he suggested to me  that I “Be brave”.  I was at a crossroad in my life and feeling quite insufficient, insecure, and needy.  I wanted saving.  But on this particular night it was clear that being saved was not going to happen.

I found this card somewhere in some store.  I remember thinking that the whole universe was telling me to “Be Brave”!  “Alright already” I responded and put the card in my home office in clear view.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve noticed that I’ve become more attached to my house, my garden, the family silver, my mother’s jewelry.  Does ADT really bring me the peace of mind that I require?  Do my possessions make me feel secure?  Clearly, no.

My sons are great adventurers. Rob spent three years traveling all over the country on the John Lennon Educational Tour Bus (www.lennonbus.org), sleeping literally on a shelf and taking occasional showers in hotels in random large cities.  Patrick just came home from five weeks in China, part of his course work for his Master’s degree in Landscape Architecture.  Peter lived in Santiago, Chile for a semester during college and then escaped for five months to India, Vietnam and Thailand when his studies were complete, returning home only when he realized his Visa was going to expire.

Where did they get their courage?  How BRAVE are they?

Can mothers inherit this from their sons?

This summer I agreed to go with six colleagues to Nicaragua to shadow one of our Sisters of Presentation who works as a missionary in Somotillo.  One week didn’t seem long enough to be on a great adventure so I wrote a Professional Growth Grant requesting money ($2000) to tack on two weeks in Antigua, Guatemala in order to do a full immersion Spanish language program, live with a family and work towards Spanish language fluency.  In my typical ADD manner, I didn’t think it through much.  I’m a good writer, very persuasive, yet I didn’t really think that it would be funded.

It was funded.

I made all the arrangements.  I was going to Central America for three weeks.  Two of them would be a solo gig for me.  Alone in a foreign country.  Wow.

“Be Brave, Rosemarie! You can do this!”- I told myself.

My peers were skeptical.  “You’re going alone? Be careful!”

I decided to stop telling people my plans.  Get behind me, Satan.  Don’t rain on my parade.  They just don’t understand my personal journey.  I am totally out of my comfort zone and I need to be.

My sons gave me all the confidence I required.  I think they were even a little bit proud of me.  Their mother was traveling alone in Guatemala while their friends’ moms were going out to lunch and getting mani/pedis.   Peter’s email to me set the theme for my journey.  Vaya con Dios!  Go with God!

I am happy to report that the trip went off without a hitch.  ADT did it’s job protecting the family silver and my mother’s jewelry.  The little neighbor girl across the street kept my kitty, Ethel, alive and happy and tended the garden.  Everything was as it was when I left it.

Except me.  I am different.

I am finally,

assuredly, conclusively, inexorably, irrevocably and beyond a doubt

BRAVE.

May6

Sentimental Journey

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Sentimental Journey

When my three sons were little boys we used to play outside on Tedemory Drive in the sunny Southern California weather.  I say we because I was often the mom out there with all the neighborhood kids playing three flies up or kickball or freeze tag or slip and slide.  What appeared to be a noble mother-like thing to do was actually this mother’s excuse to go out and play- re-creating my own childhood days on Halo Drive playing hide and go seek and football in the street, and rollerskating with my best friend Holly Kocher around the block.  I have the scars to show for it. This one from falling out of Mrs. McDaniel’s tree.  That one from roller derby induced road rash.  Back here is where I ripped open my leg falling into rose bushes while trying to catch a baseball.  (BTW- I caught it!)

When my sons became teenagers and I began the “mom taxi” service to San Jose for high school and visits to friends, we would drive from Morgan Hill down Hale Ave where every cyclist in town gravitated to ride.  I would say to my sons “I’d take up biking if it wasn’t for those funny clothes!”

Low and behold!

Empty nest hit.  No more son shuttling.  No more three flies up.  No more “Mom, can you take me…?”

Well, never say never!  Cycling gave me the opportunity to go out and play again!  And what a joy to have the opportunity to wear those funny clothes with my handsome son, Peter.  I guess all those rides down Hale Ave.  piqued his interest as well.

Joining us yesterday were Peter’s beautiful girlfriend, Breezy and my handsome manfriend, Dale.  Together we completed a 100k ride through the wine country with 2000 other cyclists.  Who would’a thought?  Funny clothes and all…

Now don’t just sit there!  Get out and play!

If One Hip Diva can do it, you can too!  :)

Apr19

Food Is Love. Chapter 2. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Refrigerator

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Food Is Love. Chapter 2. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Refrigerator

Life has gotten in the way of my three chapter “Food Is Love” dissertation.  My apologies and a confession..  I am easily distracted.  We can talk about adult ADD another time.  :)

This morning I dug through my old photos looking for this picture.  I know that Patrick is just adorable at one year old but what I really want you to see is my brown “earth-tone” refrigerator circa 1970-80!  Notice the stuff on top of it also.  I can guarantee you that it was “stuffed” inside as well.  Just look at little Patrick.  Does he look like an underfed child?

A couple weeks ago I was invited to a brunch at a friend’s house and I was riveted by their large and fancy two door side by side refrigerator with the water/ice component in the door.  I opened it to look inside and it was chock full of food.  I have fantasized about that refrigerator since then.

Several years ago, in a very timely manner, my then very plain and functional white frig decided to retire in protest of Peter my youngest son and biggest eater’s exodus for college life.  It created quite a stir in my house.  “Mom! You don’t need a big refrigerator any more.  We’re all gone!”  This resulted in a group shopping trip- seemingly a rite of passage for me into the empty nest phase of life- with Robert and Patrick- #1 and #2 sons.   We settled on a tidy and sensible 18 sq. foot frig that seemed to be appropriate for one single woman who would prefer to have a glass of wine and a handful of peanuts for dinner.  (Is that what happens after 25 years of cooking dinner every night?)

At the time I could not identify the pall of sadness that had come over me.  Hmm.. an 18 sq. ft. refrigerator.  Not much room for an abundance of food.  Certainly a sign of minimal love.  But I understood the rationale behind it and succumbed to wisdom of my well fed sons.

After this purchase every grocery shopping trip put me into a tail spin as I tried my best to fit everything into that little icebox.  It seemed that there was only one spot for each item- much like a puzzle that you have to work on for hours.

The moment of truth arrived when Peter came home for a weekend from UCSB, tried to get the milk back into the frig and hollered “Geeze! I can’t get anything into this frig!”  He was certainly stunned with my knee jerk reaction which was to call the store and have them come and get it- restocking fee and all.  Money is no object when it comes to love!  Peter strained to see the connection at the time and so did I.

But since then it has all become clear.  There is actually a mathematical formula for it and here it is:

The total square footage of your refrigerator = the total amount of food you can stuff in there = the total amount of love you can provide for someone = abundance and joy!

So to make a long story even longer I must tell you that this 22 sq. ft. Maytag (the largest frig I could get into my existing space) decided to go on strike the day before Christmas 2010.  Even Kenny, my trusty Morgan Hill appliance MD, couldn’t revive it!  Sixteen people for a sit down dinner on Christmas Day and no refrigeration!  All three sons were home and the question arose… “Mom.  Do you want us to go refrigerator shopping with you?”  (Pause here for a silent mother’s prayer..)

I’m delighted to tell you that I recently acquired a new 22 sq. ft. LG refrigerator.  I am still lusting after the 26 sq. footer with the double doors and the water/ice dispenser in the door but this will do for now.  I want to provide the most food that I can for whomever wants it.  Maybe not a growing family anymore but there are many people who come into my life that need a little food… and a lot of love.

Food is love.  Amen.

 

.

Mar9

Honey, these are the best years of your life!

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Honey, these are the best years of your life!

Peter, Robert, and Patrick

It is a lazy afternoon in Whittier, California and I am across the street on Tedemory Drive visiting with my neighbor, Mrs. Jenner.  She has successfully raised her two sons to responsible adulthood.  I stand with my right hip jutting out in a heralding of chiropractic visits yet to come- balancing chubby Peter.  Patrick is clenched on to my right thigh and out of my peripheral vision I focus on Robert scaling a nearby tree.

“Oh Honey!  Treasure this time!  These are the best years of your life!”  my dear neighbor advises.  I’m sure I looked at her as though she had four eyes.  I was a tired, overworked young mom with half read books and have baked friendships.  I couldn’t seem to focus on anything in those days besides watching little boys for hours and hours on end.  I was thinking more along the lines of “These are the days that try men’s souls!”

But I must admit that on this particular afternoon my heart took a picture.  Three little boys playing in their Mervyn’s finest- challenging the neighbor children across the street to a water fight.  On this day I wanted nothing more than this moment being this mom to these three little munchkins.  Life was good and there was no where else I wanted to be than on the other side of this camera.