Dale and I were on a hike yesterday and as usual, when I am in motion, IÂ get loose lips. Â “I feel guilty. Â I’m working from home. Â No makeup. Â No dress up. Â No gas expenditures. Â And I’m pulling in a good salary. Â So are you. Â This shelter in place has been sort of nice for us. Â But not for others. Â I feel guilty.”
Dale’s response? “It’s the Catholic in you.”
I was grateful for his comment. Â He noticed. Â Even though my Sunday Mass attendance has been abysmal and at times I can cuss like a sailor. Â You can take the girl out of the Catholic but you can’t take the Catholic out of the girl. Â Maybe I’m still going to heaven. Â Who knows.
On the downhill, Dale wants to run. Â I say go ahead. Â I’d rather walk. Â And walk in silence with this beautiful sky. Â It’s Holy Thursday and I am craving God.
It’s true. Â I do Catholic everyday. Â I work for a Catholic high school. Â We pray. Â We sing. Â We work on being in community. Â All the things that are meaningful for me. Â But with all the controversy in the Catholic church and my growing concern that women will never be priests- it’s allÂ caught up withÂ me. Â Some despair. Â Some dissatisfaction. Â Some disbelief. Â Did Jesus really wash the feet of the apostles? Â Did they really nail him to a cross? Â Did he really rise from the dead?
I do like to believe that the women were the first to see that the stone had been rolled away at the tomb. Â That might be my favorite part of the Easter story. Â And Veronica.. how she wiped the face of Jesus and it left an impression of his face on her veil. Â I love that..
Later, over a home cooked meal of pot roast and salad with Dale’s favorite dressing, blue cheese, we agree on a news station to watch. Â (That’s a challenge for us.. ) Â PBS is covering how people are practicing their faith during this holy week. Â There is a spotlight on the Muslim religion and how they celebrate Ramadan- fasting from dawn till sunset- it’s a time of prayer, giving, and self evaluation. Â Prayer together is so essential to this community and not being able to be together in prayer at the mosque is veryÂ sad for Muslims. Â When they break the fast, there is much celebration and food and people who are not as fortunate areÂ invited and included. Â And there is so much joy.
I’m thinking of my own Catholic traditions. Â Tonight at 7pm, Holy Thursday services will be streamed from Bellarmine College Prep, the high school my three sons attended. Â Regardless of my doubts and my reservations, I want to be on the other side of that screen.
I feel spiritually depleted.
I am craving God 🔥